Traci Marie

i like hearing about people’s problems. gets me out of my head and feel for someone else. i can try to help by listening or giving advice. maybe i do that because that’s all i want sometimes. i just have so much going through my head and i don’t know how to sort it all out.

i almost spit my hot chocolate everywhere.

i almost spit my hot chocolate everywhere.

I couldn’t even get myself out of bed this morning to make it to class. I slept until noon and I’ve been sitting here all day doing nothing. I don’t know what to do with my life.

i don’t feel like i need nor should post constantly about the things that happen between us. all the little moments that i love, the things i can’t wait for, the moments we share. that’s our business, no one else’s. i don’t need to make others jealous, or make them think we’re cute. because it’s no one’s business and no one really cares. i quit caring about what everyone thought a long time ago. things have changed, they are different and so great. all that matters to me is that we know it. the best love isn’t the kind that’s boastful and in your face. to me, the best love is when the couple just feels it, can see it in each other’s eyes. it doesn’t have to be publicized to make it real or perfect. it is in it’s own right. 
We are happy and love each other, and that is all that really matters. 

February 11

the last day i can drop classes and get a full refund. why did i look this up? because i am so bitterly unhappy that i looked at my options. I am going to try to put my big girl panties on, focus, get a 4.0 and then transfer. that is my number one goal. but if things keep going like they went my first week back, i am going to contemplate this more.

why stick around? my first two nights back i cried myself to sleep because i was lonely and wanted to go back home. the only thing that is really holding me here is my lease. my heart isn’t here. i still haven’t made the emotional connections here that i need and want. i could probably not leave my apartment for days and no one would even know. 

i keep counting down the weeks that i am stuck here. i am so ready for it to be over, ready to move back home. i should have never left in the first place, it was never the right choice for me. i need family, i need friends, i need to have emotional support. i don’t have any of that here. 

saying goodbye tonight was so hard. i don’t know why we both started crying when we held each other. it’s not the first nor will it be the last time we’ll say goodbye. we finally know what we want, but we can’t have it. it just sucks so much. i cannot wait until may.